It’s funny when you start to grow up and you take a look around you and you’re left shaking your head at the way things are. Also at the way things used to be in your own life. You see reflections of yourself in younger people around you (and I’m not old by any means). I see people around me in relationships who would rather speak to their best friends and people outside their relationships than actually talking to the person they’re upset with.  

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in the last two years has been just how important honest communication really is. Two years ago I found myself experimenting with a Polyamorous situation. I had an honest belief that there is no “one person” for me. I know plenty of people in beautiful monogamous relationships… and also know equally as many who are unhappy.  

I was in 3 different relationships with 3 different guys. Each beautiful humans in their own right. Each bringing things to the table that I felt I needed in relationships…. And each one knew about the other. They all met and were all in the same room at one time or another.  

Now each of them had their own other girlfriends. We had a constellation of beautiful lovers we could call upon when we needed different things. I know that it isn’t a conventional situation by any means. But it worked for us. We all loved each other. To this day, I can’t tell you how valuable it was for us to develop an honest dialogue about our relationships. Our insecurities, our feelings and our desires. It’s left me this incredible life skill that will carry into each of my future relationships.  

In the beginning you have to wrestle with the occasional bout of jealousy, rearing it’s savage head. You have to deal with your own demons of not feeling good enough, or pretty enough or having a better body than his other lover. You have to voice those things. Romantics have a hell of a lot to answer for here. Thank you Alain de Botton, seriously watch this YouTube video, it'll make sense.    

We are human… not some kind of telepathic genius that can read the thoughts of your beloved sitting across the bed from you. How am I supposed to know you don’t like it when I bite your nipple? And how’re you supposed to know I'm not a fan of your “incredible tongue acrobatics” (Seriously dude, whoever told you it was incredible was lying)… that was a yawn, not a moan. Stop lying to one another to preserve the other person’s pride.  

How is a person supposed to learn if they don’t get constructive feedback?! If you’re annoyed at your partners behaviour, talk to them about it, instead of lying and saying “It’s FINE!!” and skulking off to bed. Now I’m not saying whine until you get your way. That’s not constructive. Take the time to sit and think about it, write out what you’re trying to say if you’re emotional… I’ve written things out and realised they’re far bigger in my head than they were in real life.    

I also love how a little hindsight can show you how far you have grown. I haven’t always been great at communication or dealing with my emotions. I remember being the bratty little teen in a long term relationship desperately wanting my boyfriend to hear my thoughts but not having the courage to say anything. Screaming at him in my head over the girl that he was talking to, because she wasn’t me. Wanting him to hold me close when I was upset, while in the same breath telling him to leave me the fuck alone. How is anyone meant to interpret that kind of behaviour? Why the hell did he put up with that kind of behaviour for 5 years?  

You honestly never know what the other person is thinking… ask the question and you might just find out that they’re just wanting to go to a sex party too.