Sometimes in life there are people that come in and unexpectedly make an enormous impact on your life. Things happen and even years after you go seperate ways you still find yourself thinking about them. How’re they doing. What’re they up to? Are they happy?
I had been single for a year or so and decided to get myself onto a couple of dating apps. You know… the ol’ swipe left, swipe right… do they even read what I’ve written?! I came across this profile of a guy who took my fancy. His handle was Steve(plus some random numbers I can’t remember). So here’s me making some lame ass joke about Scuba Steve. Apparently it was good enough to illicit a reply and thus the start of some pretty wicked Banter.
He was soon nicknamed Batman in my phone, due to the incredible tattoo of Batman overlooking Gotham City across his back. He was super sweet in our text exchanges, we were both really flirty and having a lot of fun chatting. So when the topic of meeting in person came up I was all for it. Now here’s where the fun story starts.
The night that we had agreed to meet up was after my Christmas party that year and I was beyond tipsy. Regardless of my drunken state I was adamant that I would meet Batman. At the time I was living in a share house with another female and a male (strange little Irish guy)… Irish decided that I was not about to meet this guy on my own and proceeded to escort me to the bar which wasn’t far from where we lived.
We get to the venue and I see Batman, leaning casually against the bar. God Damn! He looked better than his photos. I walk up to him and I’m sure I dropped some cheesy hello. We hug and then he drops this “I have a confession to make” on me. My name isn't Steve and I’m not 26. He was in fact 19 to my 25. While this should have felt more strange than it was, the way in which he spoke to me and our interactions until now, he could have passed as 26. Irish heard this and flipped out. “He doesn’t deserve you. He’s a liar. You’re better than this…”
I didn’t care. He was gorgeous and there was chemistry there that crackled like fireworks on new years eve. It was electric. So here’s Batman and I planning our escape from the Irish Madman in front of us. Batman commenting on the fact that he thought Irish might be in love with me, awkward! We sneak out while he was in the toilet and walk back towards Batman’s car. Conversation had not stopped between us, until he grabbed my hand and kissed me deeply. My whole world melted. To this day I’ve never had a first kiss like that, one that literally makes the world stop spinning.
Being the kind hearted soul that he was, and still is to this day, he didn’t want to come inside. We both knew where it was going to lead. “I want to take you on a proper date, I want to do this right” he explained.
So the next opportunity we had, our date was organised. I was being treated like a queen. We went for dinner, took me for a stroll along the river and a movie. For someone so young he had some serious game. Even down to the fact that he bought new shoes just for the occasion. This in itself turned into a hilarious debacle where he end up with blisters on his heels and didn't want to say anything because we were having such a great time. Here’s this gorgeous bodybuilder, beautiful heart, softly spoken and so so kind, in front of me trying not to limp when his shoes are filling with blood. But most importantly we had such a beautiful connection. It filled my stomach with butterflies with even the slightest touch.
For the next month or so we would see each other quite a bit. He would come and stay the night. We would do couple-y things. He would take me through his workout routines and we would go and eat ridiculous amounts of food afterwards because he was bulking. I genuinely loved hanging out with him and I fell for him pretty quickly.
And here’s where it all went pear shaped. He caught the feels too and it scared the bejesus out of him.
We were sitting at breakfast after I had tortured him with a Hot Yoga class. Conversation ceased. The energy had changed and I for the life of me couldn't figure out what I had done wrong. We were meant to spend the rest of that weekend together. But next thing I know he’s speeding off in his ute without much of an explanation. I didn't hear from him for a couple of months. I sent him a couple of I hope you’re ok messages all received with no reply.
I was heart broken.
For some reason this actually hurt more than my two previous relationships. It had only been a few months but the intensity of what I felt for him was real. I had genuinely loved this guy, and there’s part of me that still does to this day.
One afternoon after work I came home to a random note that had been for “Flamebird” which was his nickname for me. He had stopped by and written out this little apology for how he had left and an explanation that he no longer had the same number because he had changed jobs and phones as a result. I was beside myself. I almost didn't reply. I was still upset and angry at him. But i missed him like crazy. Really, truly missed him.
I end up getting back in touch with him. We caught up and he explained to me that he freaked out about the way that he felt. Here’s a little thing that I’ve learned about myself based on feedback from guys I have dated over the years. I make men feel comfortable in my presence. So at ease that it ends up making them feel uneasy. I can’t explain it and neither can they. But this is honestly not the first or the last time this happened to me. Every time it happens, I end up putting a wall up. This time was no exception. I couldn't break it down. That particular hurt runs very deep.
Batman made such a profound impact on my life. He was the one that encouraged me to stick at gym, to push myself. He was the first one to plant the idea of Body Building all those years ago. He encouraged me to love myself and pushed the idea of my happiness. Even now, that’s always his first question to me. Are you happy?
Every now and again we will exchange of text messages, a quick catch up to make sure the other person is ok and happy. This then turns into a conversation of I still care about you and think the world of you… and then the realisation that this is probably all it’s ever going to be. His life has changed, he has a girlfriend and lives interstate. So has mine, I’m not the same person I was when we met. It doesn’t stop my mind from wondering to what might have been. How different would my life have been if I had been able to forgive… Or if he had have embraced his feelings when he realised what they were instead of running.